Duit Salam In a Financially Independent Wedding

‘Duit salam’ is a simple act of giving a small token of money to the host/ parents as a form of appreciation and thanks for inviting to their event. It is not compulsory but greatly encouraged. ‘Duit salam’ can be given during several Muslim affairs and since weddings has been the major topic of my blog, I will write about ‘duit salam’ in a wedding lah.

I’ve touched base on ‘duit salam’ etiquettes and amounts in an older post so you can click here. But what I intend to write is something more personal and behind the scenes.

In a wedding, after enjoying their day at the ceremony, guests will leave but not before approaching the bride and groom's parents for a formal good bye and thanks. The parents will give a door gift and that’s when guests will discreetly give the ‘duit salam’.

By the end of the entire event, what do the bride and groom do with the ‘duit salam’?

By default, 100% of that money is given to the parents.
It is because in most of Malay weddings, parents usually help with the finances. Some will sponsor 90% while some sponsor catering only. Regardless, that ‘duit salam’ is automatically given to the parents in a way of saying thanks or paying back in a smallest form.

If it is a combined wedding, money division might be a little complicated. That’s why guests should give the money envelope to the right party. If groom invited you, you give to groom’s parents and vice versa. But what if you know both groom and bride’s parents? Then you either ‘choose your side’ or divide your ‘duit salam’ into 2, I guess.

BUT, what if you paid 100% or majority of the wedding? What do you do?

Choice 1
Sincerely give every dollar of the ‘duit salam’ to your parents regardless if they had financially helped you in your wedding or not. They had spent the entire day welcoming and entertaining guests so take it as ‘duit penat’. Even though they didn’t help much financially, they had given you support and understanding to where you are now. That is just the least you can do to show appreciation to your parents on your wedding day.

Choice 2
This may be an unpopular and least desired choice but a choice nonetheless; keep the ‘duit salam’ to yourself to either help with deposits for wedding vendors or a form of wedding gift from the guests. This decision requires plenty of discussion with parents on both sides. I greatly suggest a small discussion because some parents are totally okay with it while others may think otherwise.

Choice 3
This choice is a mash up of choices 1 and 2. Upon having a mini dialogue with the important people, you may give a portion to your parents. This way, you get to say ‘thanks’ but still have little amount for yourself.

By the end of the day, I strongly suggest a chit-chat session about this with your parents. I can’t speak for every family but every family has their opinions. The decision may be money minded or cultural minded.

For my parents, they are completely okay with us keeping the ‘duit salam’ to ourselves. Mak’s logic is that since we handled the wedding all by ourselves, there is no reason for them to take it. With that being said, I do intend to give a portion of it to my parents as a way of showing appreciation.

If you want a ‘hot’ discussion on this topic, listen to ‘Rembat Pendapat: Duit Salam” embedded below.

Sorry for my non-Malay speaking readers or who are not fluent in Malay language. It’s spoken in Malay language because it’s aired on a local Malay radio station.  It covers more or less what I’ve written but its opinions out of the horses’ mouth; very the jeng-jeng-jeng.


No comments