Baby Talk

Before any of you get excited, no, I am not pregnant but I decided to document anything that is brought up leading to it, InsyaAllah. This is an open journal after all.

As much as my wedding internal ticking clock was delayed, it goes pretty much the same with my maternal ticking clock. Don't get me wrong, I love kids and I've been taking care of them once in a while in the past and now 5 times a week for 3 years and counting. (Just in case you don't know, I'm helping my mom take care of her 4 grandchildren ages 9, 6, 5 years old and 1 that is just 8 months.

But to have my own, I am not eager because I want to 'enjoy' more or rather, I still want to be selfish because we all know that as soon as we have a kid, everything we have; time, love, energy and money is for our kid. Or perhaps my maternal instincts is all satisfied after taking care 4 kids.

With that said, Jhon too agreed and we had decided to have a baby talk after 1 year of marriage. For the meantime, condoms were our choice of contraceptive.

2-3 months in, as we were fooling around before wearing the 'raincoat'... he 'ter' lah. lol
TMI? We are adults here, right? lol

Yup, we kinda panic but the deed was done.
Weeks later, I got my period.

My reaction: 
"Okay, we are back on track!" and I went to Jhon and jokingly said "CONGRATULATIONS! You are NOT a father!" ala The Maury Show with a grin on my face.

His reaction:
He smiled and immediately after that, utter disappointment crossed his face. He tried to conceal it but it was obvious.

I immediately rushed, hugging him and told him I was sorry because there and then, I knew.
He wanted a baby and I was a complete asshole. It turned out he didn't realized that he truly wanted one until that incident.

Yes, on the surface, it may look like I agree to have a baby only because Jhon wants one (I can never forget the look on his face) but deep inside, who does not want a bundle of joy of their own?

As much as I have no regrets getting married at such an age but 1 thought that recently came into my mind that did me.

As I get older and may eventually have children, I may not live long enough to be a grandparent. Of course, assuming I live a long and healthy life right? But who knows? At this point, I still have 'time' because even if my future kid have a kid at in his/her 30's like me, I am probably be in my 60's. Again, assuming I am still healthy. Thinking I may not be a grandparent actually saddens me more. Weird right?

So ever since then, no raincoat was worn and the fate is truly in God's hands. If we are meant to have a baby, it WILL happen and if not, we will just enjoy the ride. Sure, chances are slimmer due to our ages and I have not gotten my vajayjay checked before. My sister was 35 years old when she got pregnant and I know people who are in their mid 20's who are still trying.

So.... yea... InsyaAllah.


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